Caught on Tape!
by Mizurio
Summary: Leon was a little foggy on the details, but he remembered something about accepting this mission that had to do with one to many jello shots and a game of strip poker with the Secretary of Defense and her second cousin. Ah,good times...
1. Home Videos

**Chapter One partially revised for your reading pleasure as of 09/05/07**

**I do not own Resident Evil.**

oAo

(WARNING: What comes next may cause you to vomit, rip out your eyeballs, run away from your computer screaming "MY EEEEYES!", or cause you to just hit the back button and pretend you have never read this story in your entire life. If you say "Srew the warning!" read on, and prepared to be scarred for life. Also make sure there are no innocent children in the room. If there are and they know how to read, just throw your socks at them, and they should go away. As always, Mizurio is not responsible for any mental, and/or physical injuries and/or death caused by sock related incidents. Let's move on…….)

OvO

"Look at me, I'm a stupid American! I wear brand name clothes, I own an air polluting car, have indoor plumbing, and just like most of America I don't vote!"

"U-Um, Lord Saddler?"

"What is it!"

"T-The American has made it to the island base." The faithful Ganado reported, ignoring what he had just walked in on.

"Kill him." The plaga lord simply said.

oAo

Leon cautiously walked down the halls of the island base, ready to blast anything with his riot gun that even remotely twitched. To be blunt, he was paranoid out of his pea-sized mind right now. After being attacked by a guy who burst out of a giant meat roaster screaming bloody murder, who wouldn't be?

Sure, blowing people's brains out was pretty amusing when he'd first gotten here. He had even made up a little rhyme to go with shooting down his enemies.

_Two lead bullets to your head.  
I sure hope Ashley's not dead.  
But if she is, then I'll NEVER get enough money for a new jacket._

Sure, it wasn't anything special, but it reminded him why he was here in the first place. Yes, it was all for the jacket. He hadn't even owned it for a month, and it had been stolen from right under his nose.

Leon kicked open the door to the next room and took out all the Ganado that were in the room and those that were hiding down stairs. He reloaded his weapon, did a sexy hair flip (those bangs were quite hard to maintain in this humidity) and went up the stairs to the next room. He slowly opened the door.

"LEON! HELP!"

Leon could feel his eardrums strain against the loud screech of Ashley's voice. _Wait a second._

"Ashley!" Leon bolted to the end of the room and was greeted with a dozen security monitors and a control panel. The monitor showed that Ashley was being held in a storage room quite a ways from where he was. The brunette let out a sigh of relief. She was still alive, and he'd still get paid (maybe get a bonus, even!) and then he would be able to get a brand new jacket that wasn't made of pleather.

He looked back at the screen and saw one of the guards push the presidents daughter to the ground. The same guard looked up at the camera, and Leon felt like he was staring straight into his soul. _That is one ugly mother fu—_suddenly, the monitor went out and there was nothing left to be seen.

"Tch, amateurs. Just hang on Ashley, I'm coming for you"

As Leon walked to the exit wondering why he had to say such corny things to himself—

"Look at me, I'm Leeeoon!"

Said government agent stopped dead in his tracks upon hearing his name. He quickly went back over to the security monitors, but there was nothing but white noise coming form all of them. Save one that was in the middle of them all. Although it was still fuzzy and dark, he could make out a figure pacing back and forth in front of a mirror.

"What the hell?"

Leon began to press random buttons on the control panel until he finally had some color and some-what clearer picture, but he'd lost the sound. He sighed in frustration as he continued to press random buttons until he found one in the top right hand corner that was conveniently labeled 'SOUND'. The agent mumbled curses under his breath as he pressed the button.

"—I'm overworked, under paid, with a horrid taste in fashion and wear cheap imitation jackets that are five times then what they're really worth!"

Leon's eyes widened in horror. Pacing back and forth in front of a huge mirror was the leader of the insane cult, the Los Illuminados, Osumund Saddler. Who was wearing an outfit that was exactly like Leon's. Right down to the jacket. The insane man even had a hand gun just like his and was twirling it a round like a cheerleading baton.

The cult leader began to speak once again in a horrible imitation of Leons' voice. "I'm the sexiest guy around—" Saddler struck what only he must have thought was a 'sexy' pose. It only wanted to make Leon take out his knife and stab himself in the eyes repeatedly. "Sure, working for the president is a pain in the ass—" Leon had to agree to that. (If the president had never sent him here, he would have never have lost his jacket. It was partly Ashley's fault too, but this rant is for another time..)

He was starting to get blinded by the lights reflecting off Saddlers fat, bald head. Apparently, no matter what kind of twisted monsters Saddler could create from his science, creating hair for his pale, ugly noggin would never be one of them. But it was like trying to look away from a car wreck; which was damn near impossible.

"—But at least I get to nail his spoiled rotten daughter!" Saddler started to laugh manically, still walking back and forth in front of his mirror. Leon choked on that comment. _HELL NO! This is all for the jacket, baby!_ Leon had to get out. This was just way to much information for his brain to take in all at once. Leon was about to get the hell out when he stopped and saw someone else walk in the room to join Saddler.

_God. KILL. ME. NOW!_ Now standing right next to Saddler was a Ganado, wearing a skimpy green plaid skirt, a tacky orange sleeveless sweater with an even uglier one tied loosely around his neck. To get to the point, he was dressed like the presidents daughter from head to toe, with a platinum blonde wig top off the outfit.

"Oh, Leon!" The Ganado in drag squealed in a mock-up of the real Ashleys' voice, "You're sooo SEXY!" Again, 'Leon' did another 'sexy' pose, while the real Leon began to feel the bile in the back of his throat.

'Ashley' walked over to 'Leon'. They exchanged words that Leon couldn't really make out. For some odd reason or another, his poor brain had decided to torment him not just visually, and it was compiling under-budget background music that made what was on screen seem like a cheap porno.

"OOOH LEON! YOUR'RE MY HERO!" 'Ashley' jumped up and down in delight. (Or at least with as much delight as man could have while dressed up as a girl and being infected with a plaga…) the two characters on screen hugged, much to Leon's dismay. He watched as the two continued to hug.

"Leon, I love you sooo much!"

Leon pulled out his new best friend—

"And I just wanna sleep with you!"

–aimed it at Saddler's cue ball head—

"OKAY!"

—and pumped the monitor full of hot lead.

Stuffing the Chicago Typewriter back in his attaché case, he walked over to the desk nearby. He kicked the metal chair and sent it crashing into the wall. Leon thought for a moment. He could just crawl under the desk and cry himself to sleep, or…..He could get revenge. Leon smirked wickedly as he exited the room, pulling out his Chicago Type writer and preparing for what was ahead.

_Just you wait, Saddler…that jacket's mine……And I guess I've gotta save that one blonde girl, too……damn, what was her name again?_

OvO

**Please Review.**


	2. Skulls in the closet

**Revised for your reading pleasure as of 09/05/07**

_Leon's thought's will always be in italics! _

I don't own RE, chanel (is that even spelled right?) perfume, or Reebok.

oAo

(WARNING: What comes next may cause you to vomit, rip out your eyeballs, run away from your computer screaming "MY EEEEYES!", or cause you to just hit the back button and pretend you have never read this story in your entire life. No! Wait Come back! Don't go just yet! Please? If you're just staring blankly at this warning, HURRY UP AND JUST SKIP TO THE MENTAL DAMAGE THAT AWAITS YOU! I'm not responsible for whatever damage, physical or physiological, you receive. You've been warned.)

OvO

"Leon! That truck's heading right for us!" The presidents' only daughter shouted to her bodyguard, who was currently in the bed for the bulldozer pumping hot lead into Ganado that were jumping on and trying to get to them. _How do I get myself into these kinds of situations?_ Ashley tried to veer the giant bull dozer to the right to get out of the trucks way, but only succeeded in making Leon fall on top of one of the Ganados, the agents face square on top of the hideous mans crotch. The fallen Ganado gave a toothless grin (with a gleam in his eyes that made Leon think the thing wanted to do something to him other than kill him.) to Leon before his head was blown into a million pieces.

"LEON, HELP!" Ashley honked the horn of the bulldozer.

"As long as I'm you bodyguard," Leon mumbled to himself, kicking the bloody corpse of the nasty Ganado into another one that was a little to close for comfort, "I'm going to make sure you won't even be able to ride your bike down the side walk." Ashley's not a horrible driver, heavens no. (Let's all fear her backseat driving.)

More Ganados jumped on and made there way over, murder in there eyes. (And some with the creepy glint that the now headless Ganado had had.)

Leon reloaded his striker.

_All for the jacket, _(BOOM. Got one right in the kneecaps)  
_All for the jacket_, (BOOM. Killed two for the price of one.)  
_All for the jacket,_(BOOM. Shudder. That was a close one. Better blast the perverted looking ones first.)  
_ALL FOR THE JACKET!_ (BOOM. The freaks head exploded like a cherry tomato. Crap! A parasite!)

"JACKET!" Leon yelled manically as he pulled the ring off the flash grenade and tossed it in the direction of the parasite.

"LEEEEEOON!"

"ARRGH!"

Leon finished off what little there was on the bulldozer and turned and blasted a full round into the trucks engine just in time…for it to burst into flames and STILL make them crash into something. (Namely the concrete wall that was to their left.) After the dust settled Leon checked the damage. The bulldozer was totaled, and Ashley was unconscious. He ran over and tapped her cheek. _C'mon, wake up! I need you alive if I wanna get paid!_ Now, don't get the wrong idea. Leon did care about Ashley, but like one would care for their puppy, or their gold fish. Leon had always wanted a pet. (And you can take that however you want.)

Ashley slowly opened her eyes and looked up at her knight in shining armor, Leon. The older man's eye's filled with worry. She smiled at him, and he sighed in relief as he dropped her back on the ground with a light thud. Too bad Leon was so dense (and hell bent on getting his jacket back) to notice that the blonde was in love with him. Too bad she was too dense (and hell bent on finding a way to get Leon to admit he loved her too) to notice that he was and never will be interested in her that way.

For a scenario that was supposed to be mostly horror, why did it seem to be more like a daytime soap opera? Alshey concluded she was going into withdrawals from not enough Young and the Restless.

"Now what do we do?" Ashley asked, bouncing up from the ground and over to Leon in the blink of an eye. Leon inwardly flinched at how close the girl was.

Be careful Leon, everyone wants a piece.

"Well, we obviously can't use the bulldozer, so we OBVIOUSLY have to use that door over there." Leon said mockingly, pointing over to the door.

Ashley (not noticing the sarcasm) hung onto his every move as they approached the rooms exit. (Leon getting anxious as the space between them declined steadily.) When they made it to the next room Leon was happy to find a reason to put some space between him and the love struck girl.

"What are ya buyin', stranger?"

Leon ran across the room to the merchant, leaving Ashley in the dust. (Quite literally. The room was full of cobwebs and was a complete mess.)

After upgrading his striker to its maximum level and buying a few first aid sprays, Leon was ready to move out again. "Hey Ashley," The blonde looked up from the cabinet she was peering curiously into. "Let's get going."

"Hold on a sec!" Ashley took out the small glass bottle that had been previously in the cabinet and rushed over to Leons side. (Who once again recoiled at the lack of personal space.) "Look what I found!" The girl said, her face beaming, "Chanel Perfume Number five!"

Leon took the perfume from Ashley and looked to make sure that it was actually women's perfume in the bottle and not anything like poison, arsenic or the like. He read the label and it said exactly what Ashley had said it was, Chanel Perfume No.5. _What's women's perfume doing in a hole like this?_

"I can't believe something this expensive is just lying around in a hole like this!" Whoa, scary. Watch what you're thinking Leon!

Leon sprayed some of it into the air and Ashley jumped right under the mist of the substance. Thinking that if she smelt a little more decent Leon might finally say something to her other than 'wait' or 'hide!'.

Leon handed Ashley back the perfume and made a note to find a bathroom to wash that horrid stench that was on her. "Let's go."

Too bad it wasn't arsenic.

oAo

(Special thanks to Lindsay for the info for this cute scene!)

They didn't get half way through the next room when Saddler made his appearance at the top of the stairs.

"I can feel them," he said cryptically, "Growing ever so strongly inside you."

Leon ignored how wrong that had sounded (on so many levels) and pushed Ashley behind him. Ashley just stood there, looking at her hero with eyes full of hope. The poor delusional girl.

Saddler raised his hand toward Leon, and suddenly the man was on the ground twisting in agony. The parasite inside him ripping at his insides.

"Perhaps you can resist. But you cannot disobey…" Saddler smirked. "Now, come to me Ashely…"

Ashley felt her body go numb and found that she could no longer control her movements. Leon could only watch as her eyes turned red and she slowly walked up the stairs over to the enemy.

"No. Ashley!" Leon's mind was reeling. _DAMNIT, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET PAID NOW?!_ The agent quickly threw a tracking device that latched onto the girls back.

There nothing more Leon could do but watch as blinding pain began to make his vision fade in and out. Unexpectedly, images of Saddler appeared in his mind. And not the kind that had Leon blasting the crazy bastard's head off either. Leon tried his best not to scream as and image of Saddler dressed as him began to prance around in his head. The Ganado dragged up as Ashley popped up as well, and pretty soon cheap porno music started cranking up in his eardrums.

Saddler watched in amusement as Leon rolled on the ground in physical and mental pain. But the fun was short lived as Leon dragged himself off the ground and ran head first into the nearest wall, knocking himself out cold.

Saddler shook his head in exasperation and exited the room, the president's daughter in tow. Entertainment was so hard to come by these days.

OvO

"ANTONIIIIOOOO!" Leon shouted as he bolted upward, pointing his handgun at an enemy that wasn't there. The government agent shuddered. His dreams were starting to become all too real. And why he was dreaming about Antonio's Pizzeria, (A place that probably didn't even exist.) he really had no idea why. Leon put up his gun and checked his watch, which was broken. _I must've been out for hours._ He got up from the ground and nursed his head wound as he went up the stairs to the next room, but not before he grabbed the papers from the alter titled 'Our Plan'. The wounded man barely read the document and folded it into a small neat square then stuffed it in his back pocket to be forgotten forever.

oAo

(sometime later...)

Leon was mess. He was covered in dirt, sweat, and other substances he couldn't name at the moment. Getting past the Ganado were getting to be more of a pain then ever, with they way they would look a him with those dead eyes…and with a hint of something extra that would make the strongest man run for his mommy. Well, every man except for Krauser, who Leon now believed was a deranged psychopath who was obviously working to restore Umbrella. (And seeing as how they ran into each other not too long ago and the complete awkwardness of the whole entire thing was making Leon think that EVERYONE wanted him.) Even Ada was staring to grate on his last nerves, strange, because she was the only one that wasn't trying to hit on him.

Leon brushed the hair out of his eyes and walked through the sliding doors, but stopped when three red lasers appeared in his way. He pulled out a nickel from his pocket and tossed it out to the red beams in his path.

Flip. SIZZLE. Clink.

"Oh, damn."

Leon looked down at the fired metal that had once been American currency and then looked back up at the lasers. One screw up and he was a dead man without ever getting a new jacket. Well, seeing as his jacket savings had been literally fried there really wasn't much left to lose now, was there?

After making his way through the security lasers, (borrowing a few cheap tricks from some action movies he'd seen before he took this mission) he walked into the room. There was nothing in here but a very fancy looking chair and a mirror.

OvO

"Lord Saddler!"

"What is it?"

"The American's still alive sir!" The Ganado at the control panel cowered in fear as Saddler made his was over to the security cameras. Right there on the screen was the American agent, who was very much alive, and was in _his_ private chamber.

The Ganado next to him tried to act as casual as he could, hoping that he wouldn't have to be punished like he had been last time. Although he never slept, he still got flashbacks of himself in a blinding platinum wig.

Saddler didn't seem worried at all. "Just wait and see." He told his follower. "Wait and see. Oh, and take the girl to the containment chamber." Saddler pushed Ashley like a rag doll over to the nearest Ganado, and it did as was instructed.

oAo

After thoroughly inspecting the area, Leon had found nothing suspicious at all. (Unless you count finding a nice shiny emerald to add to his jacket savings.) Leon sighed and unconsciously sat in the chair. Not knowing that he was being watched….

Why did this room look so freaking familiar? He stared at himself in the mirror trying to sort his thoughts.

"_I'm overworked, under paid, with a horrid taste in fashion and wear cheap imitation jackets that are five times then what they're really worth!" (sexy pose)_

Sweet mother of God, this was the room he'd seen in the security monitors! Leon jumped out of Saddlers chair and quickly shot the mirror that was hanging on the wall into a million tiny pieces.

Leon could hardly contain his anger. _That bastard Saddler…_Leon began to pace back and forth until he noticed something on the wall high above the entrance. He easily shot it down and added the elegant headdress to his jacket fund. Taking a look back up at the wall he saw a red button about the size of his fist which had been hiding behind the expensive hair wear. "Hmmm…" Leon shot it (seeing as the button was only 20ft above his head.) and it began to glow a bright crimson red. The brunette waited for a few seconds, but nothing happened.

"That's it?" he said aloud to himself, "This mission is entirely POINTLESS!" Leon was about to sit back in the chair and pout when he realized that a small cubby hole had slid open beneath it.

Leon crouched down and stuck his head under to the contents of the secret compartment. "The hell is this crap!" Leon began to pull out various items. A straw cowboy hat, red rhinestone high heel shoes, broken glasses, a compact mirror, big puffy yellow pants (which Leon had dubbed them 'banana shorts') a pink and blue tie-dye shirt, and another shirt that said 'Man, I Feel like a Woman!' with a cowboy boot on it, and finally a big leather jacket which after trying it on, could not (EVER!) replace the one that been lost. (EVER!)

"What kind of freak would want to keep any of this garbage?" Leon said irritably, laying out all the clothing and accessories before him. They were all completely useless! Leon looked back in the secret spot to make sure he hadn't passed anything up, and seriously regretted it when he found a red dress that seemed all to familiar. (AN: heheheheh….you know who…) The brunette began to get up from his spot under the chair when he conked his head on the bottom of the solid gold piece of furniture.

"EEOUCH! SON OFA-!"

BEEP.

"What the—?"

BEEP.

BEEP.

BEEP.

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" Leon quickly got up from the floor and kicked the chair down the small stairway. Well, he tried to, but seeing as how the chair was welded to the floor it wasn't about to move anytime soon.

KICK.

BEEP!

PANG! (The sound of Leons foot colliding with the chair.)

"GAH!"

Thud. (The sound of Leon falling to the floor, clutching his left foot.)

BEEP!

BEEP!

BEEP!

"Stupid f—"

BEEP!

"ARRRGH! Leon crawled back over to the chair and saw there was a small button on the bottom of it glowing a brilliant crimson hue just like the one on the high wall. _I must've triggered a security alarm! Sh—!_

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Leon clamped his hands over his ears as the eardrum shattering noise rang throughout the room. After a few minutes, and a couple of bloody cotton balls (Which Leon was thanking God that he'd brought them) later, the horrendous buzz ceased, as did the beeping.

The agent left the cotton balls in his ears (which were a bit blood stained now), and scanned the area. Ignoring the loud ringing in his ears he got up from behind the chair and walked over to a sliding door that was most definitely NOT there before.

The opening was pretty small and the agent couldn't fit himself inside, but a rotting stench told him that it was for the best. He slowly stuck his head inside, handgun loaded and ready to shoot and kill. _This hole smells awful…_The ringing in Leon's ears stopped and was replaced by defining silence.

………….

………….

(gurgle, SPLURT!)

"Eeew…" Leon looked down at his feet and saw that someone or _something_ had vomited blood all over his Reebok shoes. Before the agent could react…..

"OH LEON YOUR SOOOO HOTT!"

oAo

**Please review.**


	3. Try to keep your hand to yourself

**Revised for your reading pleasure as of 09/05/07**

**Also, I changed Luke's name to José. Because generic names are fun.**

oAo

………….

………….gurgle SPLURT!

"Eeew…" Leon looked down at his feet and saw that someone or _something_ had vomited blood all over his Reebok shoes. (_Damnit, and I bought these special for this mission…just like my jacket…ARRRRGH!) _Before the agent could react…..

"OH LEON YOUR SOOOO HOTT!"

Leon's eyes widened in shock as a pair of dirt stained hands reached out and grabbed him by his arms and was trying to pull him inside. The brunette tried to break free, but what ever the hell thought that he was 'HOTT' had an iron grip of death on him and wasn't about to give up so easily. Quickly Leon pulled out his knife and with one quick flick of the wrist he easily sliced off the things left hand. The appendage fell to the cold metal floor with a wet smack and the fingers began to twitch spastically.

The figure let out an agonizing cry as it released Leon and clutched the bloody stub of its wrist. The American agent got ready to strike again when he slipped on the pool of blood/vomit and ungracefully fell on his ass. His knife flew from his hands at the impact and slid to the other corner of the room. Leon got on all fours (AN: Half the audience has just stuffed tissues up their nose.) and began to crawl to his trusted weapon when suddenly the other hand of the figure grabbed his ankle and tried to drag him into the dark abyss.

The brunette instinctively pulled out his handgun and shot blindly in to the darkness. The blast echoed through out the chambers followed by a sharp cry of pain and the splattering sound of more vomit. The hand released him and Leon got back on his feet just in time…to fall (again) flat on his face and get a mouth full of blood.

Upon getting the foul taste in his mouth Leon felt like he was going heave a lung when a low groan came from the dark room. Leon looked up and watched as the figure slowly stepped out of the dark closet.

"OOOOOH LEEEOOON!"

It was wearing an orange sweater; ugly shit colored boots, and a platinum blonde wig…..

OvO

The glass chamber Ashley was currently being held in cracked as an ear piercing scream echoed through out the entire island base, scaring all that were cursed with the gift of hearing.

oAo

Meanwhile, somewhere on some unimportant part of the island, a small group of Ganado had huddled around a security camera. Another Ganado wearing one of those ugly red hat things (who was in charge of this certain part of the island) walked up and scanned the scene angrily.

"Alright you filthy rats GET BACK TO—hey, is that the stupid American?" The supposed leader stopped his shouting and pulled up a chair next to one of his men, grabbing a hand full of popcorn that was in a bowl in the center of the group. He watched as the American agent was backing up into a corner of the room, the man's eyes filled with a mixture of disgust and shock with a hint of fear glazing it all over.

"Hey, doesn't that drag queen look like José?" (AN: José is just some name I randomly came up with…heh) Commented a random Ganado, pointing at the screen. The others nodded in agreement, and watched as José dressed as Ashley stalked closer and closer to the cowering American.

"Wonder what he did to piss off the boss…."

The groups (now questionable) leader almost felt sorry for Leon, "Fifty pesetas says he gets ass-raped in the next ten minutes!" Er, almost.

"You're on!" Said another, and suddenly a flurry of bets were began to take place, all the money pilled sloppily on a desk near by.

OvO

_Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god…HELP ME MOMMY!_

The insane, one handed Ganado ranted on about the American agent being 'SO TOTALLY AWESOME!', with sleazy pickup lines spilling from its mouth left and right. Leon was curled up in a ball in a corner and was reloading the last of his ammo into his handgun as fast as his trembling hands could. The blood soaked Ganado was now no more than a foot from Leon's trembling body. _This is it; this could be the room I die in…_

"HEY, WHAT'S THAT?" Leon shouted pointing at the wall. This monster may have looked quite capable, but even a blind person could tell that there was nothing much going on upstairs. The Ashley look alike grunted and turned around to look for what Leon had been pointing to. It let out another unintelligible noise that was probably a "Huh?" or a "What?" but instead of trying to figure out what was being said Leon jumped to his feet and gave a kick that sent it flying back to the dark hole it had come from.

That would have been the case if the Ashley from hell hadn't grabbed his foot. Leon was somewhat surprised at the grip the monster had before he was thrown across the room. He landed on a puddle of blood and slid face first into the blood splattered wall. Leon suddenly felt something moving and practically _squirming_ underneath him. He quickly turned over onto his back and saw that the hand that he'd sliced of had some how conceived a mind of its own and was now firmly latched on to Leon's chest. Apparently those infected with plagas had this ability. Go figure.

"Ack!" Leon got to his feet and with all his strength pulled at the undead appendage. But all it did was squirt out more blood from the end of its nasty stub. The thing was laughing at him. Leon could hear its evil cackle ringing in his ears, it seemed that he was gifted with the ability to read the minds of undead appendages. Although, the technical term psychologists used for this gift was 'schizophrenia'.

"Get…off…me!"

The other man (or monstrosity, whatever) only watched as the government agent stumbled around the room with his detached left hand moving all over him. Leon thought about shooting the damn thing, but the thought was trashed when the disgusting thing began to crawl all over him like a mountain climber.

"Eek!...Agh…Stop…squirming around!...Ooooh s-s-s-ssshiiiit…GET THE HELL OFF MEEEEE!" This hand was starting to get a little too happy, and it finally made the agent snap when it tried to do…things…to areas…"AAAAAAAARRRGGGH!" Leon's face was red with a mixture of rage and humiliation along with other emotions that I won't dare say for fear of shattering what's left of this poor man's ego. Right. (A moment of silence as we mourn the death of Leon's ego and psyche. Are we good? Good).

Leon bolted for the knife that had been left neglected in the opposite corner.

Where the crazy Ashley freaky-thing was.

How nice.

Leon shoved the not to bright man out of the way and retrieved the metal, sharp, pointy object from the floor and stabbed the adventurous hand. Leon hadn't realized just how deep his knife had gone until he'd brought it up and saw the hand still on it, sliding down the blade until it reached the hilt, wriggling and twitching all the way down. Leon shivered and stabbed the wall nearest to him, digging the knife in as deep as it would go and left it and the hand pinned there to die of its own accord.

"So..gross…" Leon mumbled, trying to regain what little composure he had left. _No amount of therapy will ever make this go away…_Leon turned his attention to the now one handed man that was staring blankly at his hand that was hanging from the wall like a trophy. A chill ran down Leon's spine. If his hand did that on its own then hell knows what this monster could do as a whole. I was time to put him down.

Leon raised his gun….

"Wait a minute,"

…And stopped. _Did it just actually _talk_ in _English?

"PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEE! I only attacked you because I thought you were Saddler! PLEASE SPARE ME!" The Ganado pleaded running to hide behind the dented gold chair. (We can blame Leon's foot for the dent.)

"Excuse me?" Leon looked up at the Ganado with curiosity. The agent lowered his weapon and allowed the Ganado to sit in the fancy gold chair. He sat there for a few awkward moments, before he burst in to tears.

"What the…?" Leon crossed his arms and stepped forward

"Um, er….hey…I'm just wondering, how the hell can you speak English when everyone else that jumps me doesn't?" He asked nervously, after all, it wasn't everyday that you see a practically undead man dressed as the presidents daughter begging with his only hand for his life and crying his eyes out.

The weeping Ganado sniffled and looked up at the American that had a gun to his head. "I can explaaaaiin!" He wailed, causing the American to cover his ears. The one-handed man continued to wail and sob until he was silenced by a gunshot to the ceiling.

Leon once again aimed the handgun in the Ganados direction, "Talk."

The Ganado (who we will now call…José…-cough-…) wiped the tears from his eyes with his only hand.

"It all started when YOU stuck your fat nose into Lord Saddlers' plans! If you hadn't come to this blasted island, none of this would've happened to meeee…" He said sobbing, pointing his finger in the government agent's face. Leon absent mindedly put a hand over his nose. _It's not that big._ He made a note of inspecting his face whenever he had the time.

"This is my punishment—" Whoa. Leon had already lost him_. Punishment?!?!_ Thousands of horrible scenarios rushed through the agents nut sized brain all at once. "Um, hey, dude?" Leon snapped put of his daze. "Er, you're nose…" _Enough about the nose already!_ "…Is bleeding." Leon quickly wiped away the offending crimson liquid and tilted his head up to prevent anymore from exiting his nose. (which isn't all that big, really). Leon did his best to convince himself that it was a late reaction from ramming his thick ass skull into the wall earlier before. (AN: See last chapter.) He made a mental note to repeat (over and over and over…) that action when he was out of this whole situation.

Did he really want to know more after hearing those first four words? Of course he did (not). "Ahem, anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted, I am being punished," Leon tried not to break his neck from tilting his head back some more. " …for stealing—and then losing—Saddlers perfu—Imeancolonge!" He said, eyes shifting around nervously.

"……….What?"

FLASHBACKBEGIN!

_After upgrading his striker to its maximum level and buying a few first aid sprays, Leon was ready to move out again. "Hey Ashley," The blonde looked up from the cabinet she was peering curiously into. "Let's get going." _

"_Hold on a sec!" Ashley took out the small glass bottle that had been previously in the cabinet and rushed over to Leons side. (Who once again recoiled at the lack of personal space.) "Look what I found!" The girl said, her face beaming, "Chanel Perfume Number five!" _

FLASHBACKEND!

"Whoa, what the hell was that?"

"Oh, that was just glimpse in to my past. It's how I remember to do things. Like take a bath, take out the garbage, eat, breath…….IT WAS A FLASHBACK, YOU DUMBASS!"

"Does this happen to you often?" José replied, sounding eerily similar to the psychiatrist that was patiently waiting for Leon in D.C.

Leon ignored the Ganados question and asked one of his own, "And just _why_ were you stealing perfume—"

"COLONGE!"

"Whatever! The hell were you doing with it the first place?" Leon shouted. As the deformed man wearing a skirt paused to come up with an answer, Leon (the poor fool) once again let his imagination wander and began to come up with possible reasons of his own as to why Saddler owned women's perfume.

Fortunately (for you the reader) before Leon could conjure up the image of Saddler in a Valley girl outfit with a head full of platinum blonde hair and screaming about how he broke a nail (er, okay, maybe not so fortunate for the reader) the Ganado finally answered.

"Well, you see before this, I was a security guard to one of the main offices in the hospital—'' A chill ran Leon's spine as he remembered the hospital. It was there that he'd first encountered the regenerators, after all. "Which I will assume you've already passed up—And I did a damn fine job! Then, when YOU stepped on the island, Lord Saddler ordered us to take as much of our research as we could to the inner laboratory."

(YAWN) "Does this have point?" Leon commented, bored already. He looked down at his once pure white shoes. Yuck. _$150 smackers down the drain…and to think my jacket only cost twice that much…_His eyebrow twitched…._Jacket...my baby…_Lets move on. I'm frightening the children.

José glared hatefully at Leon "ANYWAY…I went to one of the offices in the hospital and that's where I found the per—cologne. And, well…" The one-handed man trialed off.

"Weeeeell?"

"…I was kinda curious…"

"WHAT? Ewww…"

The Ganado stared deadpan at Leon for a few seconds, deciding it best not to ask just what the hell the American agent was thinking. He let out a frustrated sigh and continued, "Anyway, I…Sorta sprayed some on me…it smelt nice…flowery…" The one handed man smiled at the memory. Leon began to clean the blood/vomit off his shoes. "The next thing I knew, I was knocked out, dressed up, and thrown in here….And made to do…various…things" (AN:NO NOT LIKE WHAT YOU READERS ARE THINKING! Of course, if you're brave enough to take that much mental damage an imagine it, I wont stop you. I almost when blind writing what José's saying but I think I'm okay now.)

oAo

Back at the little party that was going on the other side, the room was packed with people. "This is bullshit!" One of the men shouted. Everything had been fine at first; but the second Leon lowered his weapon everyone was, to be blunt, pissed as hell.

"This ain't no freakin' soap opera! GIVE US BLOOD!"

"José, you frickin' prick!" Someone threw a beer bottle and with horrible aim shattered the top right security monitor.

"This sucks, I want my money back!" Said another, who looked back at the money pile that was now gone from its position at the table.

"BOOOO!" The leader shouted, a cigar hanging from his mouth and a suspiciously large wad of cash sticking out of his vest pocket that was most definitely not noticeable, and soon everyone began to throw their cheap imitation brand popcorn at the small screen. Hand gestures, obscenities, and comments about where peoples mommas should go were being thrown allover the place. A fight broke out in a random corner and one Ganado silently contemplated the meaning of life while playfully twirling a machete.

Suddenly, the door swung open and everyone froze. Nothing was said as Lord Saddler slowly walked up to the screen displaying the two figures that were still in his private room. Everyone watched to see what his next move would be…

OvO

Leon kept scrubbing at his shoes, trying not to look like he had an obsessive compulsive disorder. Only when he realized that José had stopped talking and the other man was staring at him strangely did he cease his actions. "Is that it? So what you're telling me is that you know ABSOULUTLEY NOTHING ABOUT MY JACKET!" Leon said, handgun shining in the light and dangerously aimed at the Ganado's head.

José took a step back, "Um,er, well you never asked…um…" Before he could be blasted into a million tiny pieces….

"The whereabouts of your jacket are of no importance to you!" Saddler's voice blasted out of the speaker that was in a corner of the room.

"Saddler, you bastard that jacket belongs to me!" Leon shouted, not sure if he could be actually heard by the bald freak. "I know what you've been doing! I've seen it for myself!" Leon shouted.

A wicked thought hatched in the plaga lord's head. "Well, you stupid American," He started. "What if I told you that I was WEARING your precious jacket?" He really wasn't. But hey, Leon couldn't look if he'd wanted too, seeing as they were on the opposite side of the island.

Leon's eyes practically fell out of his skull upon hearing this. "Oh, and José," Saddler continued, "you are of no more use; you may die along with the American."

"WHAT!" José shouted in panic. "How could you? I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPEACIAL!" While José began to rant in Spanish about him and Saddler and…things…Leon ran to the lift that was hiding behind the gold chair and pressed the button for it to go down. The machine began to slowly move downward until Saddler pressed a few buttons then cut the power from the control room he was in. That's when the machine began to move up and down erratically fast and after a few moments the machine made a loud whine signaling its death, crashing to the floor.

"Nnngh…" Leon mumbled, his head was spinning and he felt nauseous allover again. "Well…" José asked as Leon rose up from the floor rubbing his backside, "Now what?"

"I don't know." Leon mumbled, walking over to the door that had led to this hell. It didn't open. "Guess he intends to deal with us later. Or he's gonna let us rot in here. Or there could be some sort of toxic gas that's leaking into the room that'll kill us slowly and painfully as I speak.Or—''

"Okay, okay, I get it! Jesus!" José shouted. Leon was about to go back to cleaning his shoes when he looked back at the pile of junk that he'd found hiding earlier. The red dress gleamed conspicuously in the dim lights and it felt drawn toward him for some odd reason…He pulled his knife out from the wall and was satisfied when the hand fell to the cold metal floor that it stayed there.

_Better make the most of the time I've got left…_

oAo

**If I missed any changes to José, please let me know.**

**Also, please review.**


	4. pants pissing claustrophobia

**Revised for you viewing pleasure as of 09/05/07!**

**I realized how shitty this chapter is.**

**I'll make up for it with a new and better fifth chapter soon.**

oAo

Leon Scott Kennedy had to piss like a race horse.

The American looked around the blood splattered room for the twentieth time. Unfortunately, not matter how many times he tried; he could not summon a toilet out of thin air. He let out a frustrated sigh and went back to work on the piece of fabric lying in his lap.

"You know, I've been wondering…" José started to say, but once again lost himself in whatever little world he'd created to escape the harsh reality of rejection and abandonment. Leon let out another sigh from the distant corner (i.e. the only corner without a pool of blood surrounding it) he was sitting in and went back to his current side mission: Destroying any items in the room that so much as _looked_ like they were the property of Osmund Saddler.

The mission was almost complete. Leon had taken out every speck of red on those damned heels (with the help of his trusty knife) and broken the heels of the shoes and had sharpened them to use as weapons. (He hoped that he'd be able to shove them into Saddler's eyes sockets, if given the chance…) He used the puffy yellow banana shorts to wrap up the dead appendage that was now placed in the far corner of the room. The blue and pink tie-dye shirt was now the bloody wash rag shirt, along with the shirts new best buddy, the 'Man, I feel like a woman!' shirt. The glasses, well, were already broken to begin with. The poor thing.

The only items that were not in Leon's path of destruction: The straw cowboy hat (which was innocently on a certain twenty-seven year olds head.), the compact mirror (had to check up on his appearance, he works for the government after all….Wow, I can't believe I was able to pull that sentence off with a straight face…), and the leather jacket (which José was currently wearing. Hey, you'd get cold if too if you were wearing an ugly plaid skirt that barely covered your moldy ass.)

His current work of art though, was the red dress. He'd completely ruined the hem, and stripped all sewn in patterns flawlessly. Now he was just straight out ripping it apart.

_All with the help of this trusty knife! Order now and get a second one FREE! Don't leave home with out one, kids!_

You do what you can to amuse yourself….And take your mind off draining the lizard…

This was officially hell. Leon didn't dare get up, for fear of ending up doing the pee dance and looking like a total fool. (Pfft, I'm funny). Like he didn't already look like one wearing a hat that looked like something straight out of Brokeback Mountain. (Ha! Get it _straight_ out of Brokeback Mountain! Haha! I make me laugh…)

"Now I remember what I wanted to ask." José turned to face the other man on the floor. "No offense—'' Too late, why is it when someone always starts out with the words 'no offense' that you were obliged to now take offense? Leon decided not to try and think about it for now, he was getting a headache. "But, why the hell did the American government send _you_ of all people? Why couldn't they have sent someone that could—Oh, I don't know—SPEAK SPANISH?!"

Leon thought about that for a moment. He was a little foggy on the details, but he remembered something about accepting this mission that had to do with one to many jello shots and a game of strip poker with the Secretary of Defense and her second cousin (along with few other faces that were to fuzzy to make out. He thought it was best just to forget.). Ah, good times.

Then it hit him. "HEY! The only Spanish that I need to know is, 'past that taco' and 'where the hell's the bathroom?' So, HA!" He could feel his bladder twitching at the mention of a toilet. Time to shut up now.

"And can you even say any of_ those_ poorly stated phrases?"

"…Qué?"

"Haha, you're a Spanish speaking pro, now, _stupido Americano._" Luke said, his voice drenched in sarcasm.

"FUCK YOU!"

"Maybe later, Ennis."

Leon instantly threw down his hat and shredded it to pieces, whilst José exploded into a fit of ragged laughter. Leon just glared at him with thoughts of how he could kill the dumb fuck and make it look like an accident. He shredded the rest of the silky dress into ribbons and stood up. The American carefully walked over to the would-be exit of this living hell and examined it ruins. It wasn't totally destroyed; it was still quite in tact, with a few wires and sparks popping here and there.

"Enjoying your little quiet time?"

The highly respected government agent nearly pissed his pants at the sudden booming voice on the intercom.

OvO

This was quite amusing.

"..S-SADDLER!"

More sick laughter. "Who else?" The Ganado—let's call him Juan—that was most obviously not Saddler said into the microphone. The real Saddler had left long ago with a few of the other guys that had started the whole gambling clique. He was quite sure that he'd receive the same punishment as those guys, but he'd run out of popcorn and had finished the last of his twelfth beer, so he was too damn buzzed to give a care.

"WHERE THE FUCK'S MY JACKET?"

Ugh, does this prick ever shut up? "That is not any of your concern…" The undead man drawled, in a perfect Saddler imitation.

"LET ME OUTTA HERE!"

Who the hell was that? The Ganado on the other side of the island just shrugged and looked for another beer. _This job sucks. At least there's free booze._ Wait, wasn't drinking on the job a BIG no-no? Juan found another beer and popped it open. Whatever.

He downed half the bottle in one gulp and went back to his fun.

"You poor man, I can see your every move. I know everything there is to know about your pathetic life." He watched in amusement as the agent froze where he stood, looking like a deer in headlights. Juan moved the mic away from his face and giggled insanely. He took another swig of beer. Mmmm, beer. "I know everything from yur—yur—Shit, whut waz I sayin'?"

oAo

What the hell? José stopped his behind the scenes ranting and listened to what 'Saddler' was saying.

"Iz know everrithang frum yur shoes size to tha' sizze uff yur underwearrrr…."

This drunk little shit wasn't saddler…

Apparently, Leon didn't seem to notice, as he was too busy grinning like a maniac. _Heheh, little does he know that I'm not WEARING any underwear…_More like he had to stop wearing underwear, ever since he'd run into the Novistadors back in the castle, he really didn't see the point. (Er, you can draw your own conclusions from that…)

"Um, Saddler?"

"Yeeeeeesssszzzz?"

"Could you let us out? Pleeeaaase?" José asked in the most fakest cheery voice he could manage. He began to fidget with the metal stud of the leather jacket as he waited for a response. He quickly glanced back over at the incompetent American, who was still grinning madly. He decided it was just best not to ask.

"Why should ah help yous!?" The intercom blared. Someone didn't know where the volume button was.

"Uh…"

"WE HAVE BOOZE!" Leon shouted, finally catching on, sort of. _This game is fun!_

"OKAY!" Said the drunk off his ass Ganado. To drunk to know what he was doing and giggling like a school girl, he pressed few buttons on the control panel.

There was a weird click and the humming sound of an engine coming to life. Leon dashed to the lift and pressed the 'down' button. Nothing happened.

"Hey!" Leon was getting impatient. It felt as if his bladder was about to explode.

The next thing he knew, there were huge spikes sticking out of the walls and the walls were literally closing in, very fast. The spikes began to whirl around and a loud noise similar to a screw driver began to pound into the two men's ears.

"NOOOOOO!" José screamed. Running over to the American agent and clinging onto his arm he desperately sobbed, "I DON'T WANT TO DIE IN A DRAG GETUP!"

Looking up at the ceiling Leon saw the there were no bright flashy things that he could just shoot to stop the walls moving. There was nothing he could do. He was going to die. _Shit._

Should he do it? Leon looked at the gold chair, then at the spiked walls moving in on him. Ah, screw it!

Leon shook the sobbing Ganado off of him and quickly made his way to the front of the chair. He unzipped his pants, and….well, you know. _I am NOT going to die in a wet pair of pants…_Was Leon's last thought before the walls stopped just centimeters from piercing his thick skull. The spikes disappeared back in to the thick metal walls and began to make there way back to there proper places.

"Oopsiess! Surry, wrung buooton…Aaah! Therrrre wez goo! Do I get mah booze nao?" There was another sound and the humming of an engine coming back from the dead.

José was to busy trying to rip out his eyes to notice that Leon was now zipped up and coolly walking over to the lift, which was now properly working. Satisfied with what he'd done and with absolutely not regrets, Leon Kennedy pushed button for the lift to go down and was quite disappointed to find that José had barely made it in time to jump on with him.

"That was just wrong man." The flustered man said. Leon just grinned.

When they finally reached the bottom, Leon practically flew down the stairs, when something caught his keen (pfft!) eye. He jumped over the railing and looked under the stairway.

José zipped his jacket all the way up and was praying to God for a pair of pants to fall magically from the sky when he heard a child like voice echo through the damp cave.

"Ooooh, shiny!"

José rolled his eyes as he flung off the itchy blonde wig. "Americans…"

oAo

**Please review**


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